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Mrs. Jim Halpert
04 May 2008 @ 07:10 pm
 I'm seriously frustrated almost to the point of tears. I really don't know what else I can do! I deleted the note, I apologized, I'm really at a loss right now! Especially because it was one of the most happy and liberating notes I've written and felt amazing after writing it, and was even sad when it got deleted. And it just keeps causing more and more  frustration. I'm seriously so close to crying right now, because I don't know what I can do to make it right! I just...want to hide.
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
28 February 2008 @ 01:23 am

Normalcy....this seems to be the theme of the week.

I have always wanted, nay, CRAVED to be normal. In my opinion, nothing was normal about me. I'm overweight, I'm an emotional wreck, I'm either depressed or angry 90% of the time, I thrive on any attention I can get-positive or negative-as long as SOMEONE is paying attention to me. I will be the first to admit, I am a pretty fucked up person.

Yeah, I'm generally pretty good at keeping the cray reigned in, but sometimes the beast rears it's ugly head, and people learn I'm not a happy person. And I think it's funny how many people actually perceive me as a happy person-I'm really not-but that's getting off topic for now. For all intents and purposes, I do not consider myself normal.

But really, what the hell is NORMAL anyway? I'm beginning to think being fucked up IS what is normal. And the people you think have it all together...well....don't. I've been chasing this dream of something that I'm not sure exists-but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Now I know I'm not the most messed up person in the world, but I seriously have issues. As one person put it, I can be a "schizophrenic, emo bitch." (schizo in the non-specific, non-actual-psychological term, but in the fact that I have this switch that flips and I go from normal to crazy in a second). I know it happens, and I'm sorry if you have to see that side of me, I truly am.

But everyone has their issues. Even the person who told me that above has issues-I know, they've told me. Everyone is fucked up in their own little way.

So the first part of this revelation came with the fight, which I really don't want to go into again. Yeah, I overreacted-I tend to do that. I wish I could explain why, but that's just what I do. I don't know why I get as angry as I do about small shit, I just do. I think it's hereditary-my dad did the same thing. Most of the time I can control it-sometimes I can't.

The second part of this revelation came tonight. I went and saw Charlie Bartlett which, by the way, was amazing, and basically it comes down to-we're all fucked up. Even the people we think are normal are fucked up. And it's just a part of being HUMAN. The minute we stop being fucked up, that's the minute we stop being human. There will always be SOMETHING that goes wrong in our lives, keeping things from being what we perceive as "perfection" but that's LIFE!

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, but I dunno. I guess the point is, I'm not normal, but by not being normal, I guess I am. *shrugs*

P.S. I know I have cyclical reasoning........I'm always going in circles-what else is new?
 
 
Current Mood: normal
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
21 February 2008 @ 01:08 am

Sitting at work, bored as usual. So here's what I use hear during a normal shift.

At least 5 AC/DC songs 
A Kid Rock or Uncle Kraker song
Some country song
My iPod trying its darndest to rise above the music
Someone playing the piano very poorly
The sounds of pool being played
A random TV station
People knocking on the door because they don't have their ID
The door opening and closing

This is the excitement of my job. Woot.
 

 
 
Current Mood: boredbored
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
17 January 2008 @ 04:34 am
 
 

So I've been in a bit of a funk for a while now. There's been a few good moments, but lately I'm just kinda down in the dumps. But I suppose everyone gets down sometimes. I've been trying to be pretty upbeat around people, but when you get down to it, I'm just really unhappy right now.

I'm hoping that getting rid of a lot of my clothes that are too tight, and getting some stuff that fits will help. It sucks though-in my mind my weight will always be my biggest obstacle. No matter how many people tell me I'm fine the way I am, I'm never going to believe it. Sorry guys, I just don't like the way I look. I'm hoping taking tennis this semester will help out. I'm going to try to get to the AC too, but it just depends on how much time I have. Plus, I need to find a gym buddy, cuz it sucks going to the gym by yourself. One other thing about going to the AC and why I never go-I feel ridiculously self concious at the gym-like everyone's judging me. I feel like that everywhere, but especially the gym. I know it's largely my imagination, but it's just bothersome.

I know I'm going to be busy this semester, but I'm really looking forward to it. Even though it's going to be hard work and really time consuming, I'm really looking forward to writing my composition for theory and doing arrangements both for conducting and for our little "commando unit" for PRIDE. I'm hoping once I settle into this semester, I'll pull out of this funk a little bit.

And after all the dating bullshit I went through over break, I don't even want to think about dealing with it right now. Besides the fact that my life is busy enough, I don't need another source of stress in my life. Right now, I don't feel like trying to impress anyone-I have more important things to deal with. Plus the fact that the few times I really liked someone this past year and put myself on the line, it ended with 1)him being all weird around me and not wanting to talk to me unless feeling obligated to 2) him and I ending up just being friends again (this was the best ending, I must say) and 3) him and I breaking off all communication because we didn't know how to just be friends, and he didn't want a relationship. I'm still a bit hung up on 1 & 3, but I'm really getting over 1 simply because he's kinda being a d-bag about the whole thing. 3 is still bothering me...but I'm sure I'll get over it with time. In any case, I think I just need a break from dating, sex, the whole shebang. I can hardly figure out what I'm doing in my life right now as it is.

I'm also hoping once I can find someone to take over my lease and I can get fully moved, things will get better too. Maybe just having someone in the same house as me will make things not seem as lonely, though I'm not really sure. *shrugs*

Alright, I'm rambling now-probably due to the fact I'm about 4.5 hours through a 7 hour graveyard shift. I'll write more when I'm more concious of my ramblings.

 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert

If you already read this on MySpace, sorry for the doubling up....

So yeah, for those of you who haven't heard, apparently I'm a hussy who will sleep with every guy I can. At least that's what one person said. I was really happy and content to just hang out with this person as friends, but I wanted to make sure I knew where we stood. (by the way, before I go any further, I'm making the blog "Nope" public because I don't give a crap anymore whether or not he reads it) So when I brought it up last night, he was all I don't like you, and I'm like, I'm cool with that and was kinda hoping that was the case, because I just want to be friends, and then he launches into this thing about how he hopes I'm not terribly hurt, and I'm like I'm not hurt, I seriously just want to be friends, and he goes into this thing about how he knows how I like him so much and blah blah blah, and I'm like, "no, actually, I don't really like you that much. Yeah I had a crush on you at one point a year ago, but I'm really down with just being friends" to which he says isn't the case and that I do really like him.

Now at this point I was kinda pissed because it irritates me when people think they know me better than I know myself. But then the shit really started hitting the fan.

He asks me "do you view me as a father figure? because i've had a situation like this before, and i know you had a bad relationship with your dad, and i think that's why you like me so much" and I was just like HOLD THE PHONE HERE BUDDY. Number one, I in no way, shape or form see you as a father figure. Number two, I DON'T LIKE YOU. And number three, I know when to recognize if I'm trying to make someone into a father figure-if I got anything out of therapy, it's that.

And you'd think he'd drop it. But no he goes on this tirade of how I'm trying to make him into a father figure, etc. etc.

At this point, I'm livid pissed. But wait, there's more!

Then he says to me "I get the feeling too that you're just trying to make me have sex with you" I was stunned and just was like WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! And he goes into this thing about how with how many guys I've been with and how in the past I took this guys virginity, and how he knew that I was going to try to seduce him and all this shit.

At this point, I'm beyond all points of angry, livid, whatever. I finally just went into how I know I've made mistakes in the past, and I especially regret that one guy, and that when I told this stuff to him, he had no right throwing it back into my face-that does not make you a good person. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not this whore who will just fuck anyone who comes around, and someone even insinuating that has no right being a part of my life.

I know I said some mean stuff to him too at this point, but I was so angry I didn't care. No one has the right to say shit like that to me or to anyone for that matter. I'm still pretty pissed about it.

So just to let everyone know, apparently I will sleep with anyone. *cough*bullshit*cough*

 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
24 December 2007 @ 02:16 am
So I know people usually wait until New Years to set goals or resolutions, but I'm feeling inspired.

.
1. I know people always resolve to lose weight (70% of women according to Cosmo) but I'm serious. Tanya and I set a mutual goal of losing 40 pounds by May 6-my 20th birthday. I need to get healthy, and right now I'm not-bottom line. I'm taking beginning tennis next semester, but I'm going to force myself to find a diet plan and stick to it, and get my ass to the AC, or at least to get up and walk. I'm 80 pounds away from my goal weight...let's get to it!

2. I will only change my MySpace layout and song at most once a week 
It's ridiculous.....I know

3. I will only do one MySpace survey a week
Think I can stick to it?

4. I will go out and meet new people
It just needs to be done

5. I will let go of the past and focus on the present and future
I need to stop dwelling on the past-it's getting me nowhere

6. I WILL GO TO CLASS UNLESS I AM SICK ENOUGH TO GO TO THE STUDENT HEALTH CENTER
I desparately need to quit slacking off. I'm smart, damn it. I need to fucking apply myself, because failing does NOT look good on a transcript. NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!

7. I will practice at least one hour a day on trombone
I could be so great if I actually practiced. Now, I only practice close to recital and juries. If I want to get better, I need to practice-EVERY DAY

8. I will jury up at the end of this semester
This is not really an option. It needs to be done. And will be the result if I actually follow through on number 7

9. I will keep my house reasonably clean
Probably the least realistic, but I need to quit being a slob

This goals are all REALISTIC, and if I sit down and actually APPLY my mind to it, I know I can do it, because I'm SMART and have a LOT of brain power. I need to quit putting effort into the things I CAN'T change and focus it on things I CAN!

This is a revolution. It's about time. 

 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
22 December 2007 @ 10:42 pm
"Just Friends" by Jason Reeves

hey, what did you think i'd say?
you're everything that i ever wanted
and this kind of thing doesn't just come around
every time you go looking for it

i don't wanna be just friends, no
i'll never fake it or pretend
and i don't want another girl
cause you're the only one i love..

i don't wanna be just friends
that's something i can't understand
i don't wanna be just friends
not now, not ever
those two words are bullets in my chest
"just friends"

hey what did you think i'd do?
it felt so good waking up beside you
and the way you kiss, so delicate
doesn't come around and i'm always gonna miss it.

i don't wanna be just friends, no
i'll never fake it or pretend
and i don't want another girl
cause you're the only one i love..

CHORUS

and it's never gonna be the same again
my love....
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
11 December 2007 @ 05:58 am
Do you ever have those moments where your life just seems so boring, and you think to yourself, I need some excitement? Anything new would be welcome because it would be a break from the monotony?

Well I wished.

And in the span of 5 days my life has gone from relatively boring to pretty damn complicated. I don't really want to talk about details to "protect the innocent" but a part of my life I thought to be stagnant for a while has reared its ugly head in mass proportions.

And while it does complicate my life...

I'm welcoming the complication. Nay, I'm EMBRACING the complication. Because it makes life interesting! I'm so happy right now that my life isn't the same old, same old...even if it didn't present itself in the way I expected. But then again, does life ever present you with what you expect?

And I'm having fun, damn it.

It's a nice change.

:-)
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Senses Fail
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
05 December 2007 @ 01:01 pm
Love  
As a forewarning, this blog may end up being a bit emo. For that I apologize...

So I have always said that I do not believe in love. I don't believe in true love, I don't believe in love at first sight, I don't believe you fall in love, I don't believe in any of it. This is the standpoint that I have taken for as long as I can remember. Every relationship I've been in has been one not based on anything even close to resembling love. With Adam, it was that I was sick of not having a boyfriend. With Bob, it was to try to get my mind off someone else. With Mike, I was lonely. None of these guys did I have true feelings for-how could I-I didn't know any of them well enough to like them. Yes there were aspects of lust in all of them, but not love. But then again, I don't believe in love, right?

So if I don't believe in love, why is it I feel like I'm looking for it? I've had several chances for a "friends with benefits" situation a few times this year, and have even considered it. But something was holding me back. It wasn't a moral thing, but rather the fact that after all the meaningless relationships I've had thus far, I want something more-something real-something that actually means SOMETHING. And while I've been advised by at least a few people close to me that I should just go with the flow, have fun, and just be "Katelyn Gone Wild" as one person put it.....it just doesn't feel right. I can't explain it. And I think the only way I can is this...

I want to be loved. I want to have a relationship that means something. I want...something that I've never belived in.

I'm not really sure what brought this on. Was it Mike cheating on me? Was it putting myself on the line for the first person I cared about in a long time, and getting shot down? Was it falling for one of my best friends and realizing it would never happen between him and I? Was it one of my friends saying he couldn't talk to me except occassionally on MySpace? Was it realizing my best friend from high school was no longer even my friend let alone my best friend?

Or was it that one person after Mike? The one that I got physical with simply out of spite to Mike. It wasn't this person's fault. And I hurt him. And when I realized how bad I actually hurt him, it started to hurt me too. Because I can't stand to see another person hurt like that, especially when I know I caused it. And even though we've settled our differences, it's still there.

And after that happened, I realized I can't just be frivolous anymore...even though at the moment it may seem like a good temporary solution. Because I don't want to hurt anyone else, and-as selfish as this may be-more importantly, I don't want to get hurt.

So what does this have to do with love? It has to do with the fact that I want to be loved, damn it. And don't get me wrong, I know I am loved by my friends and family. But I want romance. I want someone who makes me smile by not even trying. I want something that I've never gotten to experience. Not some stupid little crush that hits me like a tidal wave hits the shore and washes back out to sea. I want something that I don't even know what it feels like. I want...something else. I want...love.

I know that right now, it's not going to automatically present itself, but I guess now that I'm open to the idea of love, that, yes, it may in fact exist, maybe that will allow it to come to me.

I guess I'm losing the title of "The Hopeless Romantic Who Doesn't Believe in True Love."

But I'm ok with that.
 
 
Mrs. Jim Halpert
12 November 2007 @ 10:18 pm
I feel like I accomplished a lot today for some reason. So let's review:

-I turned in my late work for theory, and mad up the test I missed Monday
-I got the oil changed in my car
-I beat Guitar Hero 3 on medium
-I unpacked some more stuff
-I found a new thrift store!!
-I went into the new thrift store and only spent $20!!!
-I got more decorations up in my house
-I revised a paper for my MUS202 class BEFORE midnight
-I got a free cookie at Carl's Jr (not really an accomplishment, but still, a victory)
-I looked DAMN good today
-I didn't feel all that bad today either

I do think I'm going to head to bed soon because I'm still kinda icky, but today was a really good day!!! Yay!
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished